Well, it may be annoying.  Believe me, it's annoying to write so vaguely.  However, I dare not write more specifically. . .whether on the internet or in private.  I told myself I would never write anything I would have a huge problem with people reading.  So, I keep it vague, and I get my frustration out.  I touch upon a few things I'm sure many people can relate to, and leave the names and details out of it. 

I am in a situation where I have to stand up and face some things.  I don't know how.  But I kind of think. . .I can't.  I've tried before and failed...miserably.  I've walked away from the whole situation feeling less than a piece of crap.  Feeling stepped on and sick to my stomach.  Feeling this guilt weilded as a weapon over my head.  I retaliate and I hurt people.  I avoid it for a little, but I eventually have to deal with it.  And I never really avoid it, anyway.  I end up feeling it.  Which is almost as bad as hurting people, which in turn piles guilt onto guilt.  No need for me to build it up. 

It's kind of hard to walk away from something that's always at my back. Like it's attached with a chain. I turn away, and it's still at my back, and sometimes I have to face it. I try to be a rock sometimes.  When I'm afraid of being too emotional, I imagine my heart as this cold, unfeeling rock.  Sometimes it helps, but sometimes all that psychological bullshit doesn't quell my fearfulness of the situation, or the deep feeling of shame.  I'm sick of living like this.  I have to force myself to be emotionless sometimes.  I won't say I'm weak, because there is no such thing as "weak."  But I am susceptible to feeling pretty bad when forced to face certain things.  

I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess my best bet is to just say nothing.  Play the rock.  Even if it's a total lie.  I don't know how else to deal with the situation.  I don't know how to just make it better.  I can't just walk away.  If I didn't have to be so vague I could explain why.  It's not a boyfriend situation, hell no.  He'd never be like that.  But it is something I feel tied to.  Obligated to just deal with.  And I hate dealing with it. 

I feel like people put a mask on my face.  And dress me up in a costume I never wanted to wear.  I mean, it's not like I always intend to be sincere.  I hide things.  I don't tell everyone everything.  I water down opinions.  I don't like to *push* people with a very strong opinion or a critical viewpoint.  So I mask some feelings.  Actually, the more I type this, the more I realize that I obviously built part of the disguise.  Way to project the blame, girl.  But really, the disguise exists because of many factors. 

For example, I'm not a weak person.  Every day I quietly listen to some old customer bitch about the price on something.  She'll stand in front of my register, she's dressed in a kitty cat shirt and sweatpants, shaking her cottony head in extreme disapproval.  Why am I not able to make *my* scanner scan with *her* price?  The incompetence!  I'll calmly explain I'll need to check the shelf price so I can type it in for her.  I leave, check the price, it's not *her* price.  I tell her she's wrong, she bitches some more, she leaves, and I laugh about it later.  But some people would see me as weak, because I don't tell people like her to fuck off *all* the time.  They make the disguise, seeing me as weak.  And I make the disguise, when I pretend stuff like that doesn't bother me at all.  I just don't really see the strength in bitching right back at old ladies.  It makes the store look bad, and it's kinda trashy to yell at people all the time. 

I'll keep my distance from people, not because I don't like people, but because I don't know how to attach myself to another person's life.  Other than a few people I've somehow managed to develop deep friendships with.  So, I've been called rude.  I've been accused of having a "falling out" with someone when I didn't even realize there was a problem.  I've been told I don't care about anyone but myself, by someone I once strongly admired.  The truth is, I care a lot about people.  Hell, I feel downright despair when  I hear another person crying or yelling.  But I can't connect with people very easily.  I've had a different best friend for just about every year of my life.  My boyfriend is an exception.  We're somehow connected on a ridiculously deep level, and I don't know how I did it, but apparently it's possible. 

I haven't emailed, texted, IM'd, called, or even seen my father in a year.  I've always sort of kept my distance since I moved out.  He told my aunt that he thinks I don't love him.  He thinks I'm disgusted with him.  My sister thinks I can't let things go.  I simply don't want to deal with an awkward conversation filled with accusations.  Somehow I find myself painted as this psychotic monster, a heartless bitch.  I'm really just a spineless little seven year old who is too afraid to do anything but take the easy way out.  I don't hate Dad, I just don't want to hear his frequently vocalized criticisms.  I'm afraid to feel ashamed.  And I'm already horribly remorseful.  So yeah, my sister's right.  I can't let things go. About myself.  I hold onto things about other people just the same as anyone else.  And everyone does.  But people see me as so resentful. "Resent" is not the same as being afraid of something to the point that you prevent it.  If you continually burn your hand on a hot stove top, you're going to stop touching the damn stove top.  It doesn't mean you hate the stove top.  It doesn't mean you'll spend every day angry about how it burned you.  It means you won't play the freaking drums on the burners.  Geez.

I guess I need to get comfortable in the role that I intentionally and unintentionally play out.  No use bitching about it.  But I am actively improving connecting with people and being more than just a shallow friend.  Some people can be ignored, because like I said before, when it comes to people who will close the door in your face, being on the inside looking out is much better.  There are some things I'll always keep to myself and other things I'll only tell people I trust.  There are some things I'll want to change, and I'll learn the hard way about half of the shit in my life.  But disguise or no disguise, I'm still me, and life is so short.