Monday, 08 November 2010

• I'm Going to be a Master of Disguise :P

  I feel like people put a mask on my face.  And dress me up in a costume I never wanted to wear.  I mean, it's not like I always intend to be sincere.  I hide things.  I don't tell everyone everything.  I water down opinions.  I don't like to *push* people with a very strong opinion or a critical viewpoint.  So I mask some feelings.  Actually, the more I type this, the more I realize that I obviously built part of the disguise.  Way to project the blame, girl.  But really, the disguise exists because of many factors. 

  For example, I'm not a weak person.  Every day I quietly listen to some old customer bitch about the price on something.  She'll stand in front of my register, she's dressed in a kitty cat shirt and sweatpants, shaking her cottony head in extreme disapproval.  Why am I not able to make *my* scanner scan with *her* price?  The incompetence!  I'll calmly explain I'll need to check the shelf price so I can type it in for her.  I leave, check the price, it's not *her* price.  I tell her she's wrong, she bitches some more, she leaves, and I laugh about it later.  But some people would see me as weak, because I don't tell people like her to fuck off *all* the time.  They make the disguise, seeing me as weak.  And I make the disguise, when I pretend stuff like that doesn't bother me at all.  I just don't really see the strength in bitching right back at old ladies.  It makes the store look bad, and it's kinda trashy to yell at people all the time. 

  I'll keep my distance from people, not because I don't like people, but because I don't know how to attach myself to another person's life.  Other than a few people I've somehow managed to develop deep friendships with.  So, I've been called rude.  I've been accused of having a "falling out" with someone when I didn't even realize there was a problem.  I've been told I don't care about anyone but myself, by someone I once strongly admired.  The truth is, I care a lot about people.  Hell, I feel downright despair when  I hear another person crying or yelling.  But I can't connect with people very easily.  I've had a different best friend for just about every year of my life.  My boyfriend is an exception.  We're somehow connected on a ridiculously deep level, and I don't know how I did it, but apparently it's possible. 

  I haven't emailed, texted, IM'd, called, or even seen my father in a year.  I've always sort of kept my distance since I moved out.  He told my aunt that he thinks I don't love him.  He thinks I'm disgusted with him.  My sister thinks I can't let things go.  I simply don't want to deal with an awkward conversation filled with accusations.  Somehow I find myself painted as this psychotic monster, a heartless bitch.  I'm really just a spineless little seven year old who is too afraid to do anything but take the easy way out.  I don't hate Dad, I just don't want to hear his frequently vocalized criticisms.  I'm afraid to feel ashamed.  And I'm already horribly remorseful.  So yeah, my sister's right.  I can't let things go. About myself.  I hold onto things about other people just the same as anyone else.  And everyone does.  But people see me as so resentful. "Resent" is not the same as being afraid of something to the point that you prevent it.  If you continually burn your hand on a hot stove top, you're going to stop touching the damn stove top.  It doesn't mean you hate the stove top.  It doesn't mean you'll spend every day angry about how it burned you.  It means you won't play the freaking drums on the burners.  Geez.

  I guess I need to get comfortable in the role that I intentionally and unintentionally play out.  No use bitching about it.  But I am actively improving connecting with people and being more than just a shallow friend.  Some people can be ignored, because like I said before, when it comes to people who will close the door in your face, being on the inside looking out is much better.  There are some things I'll always keep to myself and other things I'll only tell people I trust.  There are some things I'll want to change, and I'll learn the hard way about half of the shit in my life.  But disguise or no disguise, I'm still me, and life is so short.

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