Friday, 12 November 2010
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My super Vague entry
Well, it may be annoying. Believe me, it's annoying to write so vaguely. However, I dare not write more specifically. . .whether on the internet or in private. I told myself I would never write anything I would have a huge problem with people reading. So, I keep it vague, and I get my frustration out. I touch upon a few things I'm sure many people can relate to, and leave the names and details out of it.
I am in a situation where I have to stand up and face some things. I don't know how. But I kind of think. . .I can't. I've tried before and failed...miserably. I've walked away from the whole situation feeling less than a piece of crap. Feeling stepped on and sick to my stomach. Feeling this guilt weilded as a weapon over my head. I retaliate and I hurt people. I avoid it for a little, but I eventually have to deal with it. And I never really avoid it, anyway. I end up feeling it. Which is almost as bad as hurting people, which in turn piles guilt onto guilt. No need for me to build it up.
It's kind of hard to walk away from something that's always at my back. Like it's attached with a chain. I turn away, and it's still at my back, and sometimes I have to face it. I try to be a rock sometimes. When I'm afraid of being too emotional, I imagine my heart as this cold, unfeeling rock. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes all that psychological bullshit doesn't quell my fearfulness of the situation, or the deep feeling of shame. I'm sick of living like this. I have to force myself to be emotionless sometimes. I won't say I'm weak, because there is no such thing as "weak." But I am susceptible to feeling pretty bad when forced to face certain things.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess my best bet is to just say nothing. Play the rock. Even if it's a total lie. I don't know how else to deal with the situation. I don't know how to just make it better. I can't just walk away. If I didn't have to be so vague I could explain why. It's not a boyfriend situation, hell no. He'd never be like that. But it is something I feel tied to. Obligated to just deal with. And I hate dealing with it.
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